Friday, January 28, 2005
Friday Humor
The following is from a friend of mine that is quite experienced in the ways of sin. (Can't you just hear Groucho Marx saying, "But then aren't we all?!")
The Definitive Tashlich Guide
On Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year), there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, so that the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw.
Here is the definitive Tashlich Guide for the Complicated Modern Jew
For ordinary sins..............White Bread
For exotic sins................French Bread
For particularly dark..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins...............Multi-Grain
For twisted sins...............Pretzels
For tasteless sins.............Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision.........Waffles
For sins committed in haste....Matzo
For sins of chutzpah...........Fresh Bread
For the sin of substance abuse/marijuana.......Stoned Wheat
For the sin of substance abuse/heavy drugs.....Poppy Seed
For the sin of committing auto theft...........Caraway
For the sin of committing arson................Toast
For the sin of passiveness when action is warranted.....Milk Toast
For the sin of being ill-tempered/sulky........Sourdough
For the sin of cheating customers..............Shortbread
For the sin of risking one's life unnecessarily.........HeroBread
For the sin of excessive use of irony..........Rye Bread
For the sin of telling bad jokes...............Corn Bread
For the sin of being money hungry..............Raw Dough
For the sin of war-mongering...................Kaiser Rolls
For the sin of immodest dressing...............Tarts
For the sin of causing injury or damage to others.......Tortes
For the sin of promiscuity.....................Hot Buns
For the sin of promiscuity with gentiles.......Hot CrossBuns
For the sin of davening (praying) off tune.....FlatBread
For the sin of being holier than thou..........Bagels
For the sin of indecent photography............Cheese Cake
For the sin of over-eating.....................Stuffing Bread
For the sin of gambling........................Fortune Cookies
For sin of abrasiveness........................Grits
For sins of pride............................. Puff Pastry
For the sin of cheating..........Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For sin of impetuousness.........Quick Bread
For negligent slip-ups...........Banana Bread
For the sin of dropping in without warning.....Popovers
For the sin of perfectionism...................Angel Food Cake
For the sin of being up-tight and irritable....High Fiber Bran Muffins
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone. For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Regular, and Industrial Strength) at your local Jewish bookstore.
Can I borrow some cornbread? Please?
The Definitive Tashlich Guide
On Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year), there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, so that the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw.
Here is the definitive Tashlich Guide for the Complicated Modern Jew
For ordinary sins..............White Bread
For exotic sins................French Bread
For particularly dark..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins...............Multi-Grain
For twisted sins...............Pretzels
For tasteless sins.............Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision.........Waffles
For sins committed in haste....Matzo
For sins of chutzpah...........Fresh Bread
For the sin of substance abuse/marijuana.......Stoned Wheat
For the sin of substance abuse/heavy drugs.....Poppy Seed
For the sin of committing auto theft...........Caraway
For the sin of committing arson................Toast
For the sin of passiveness when action is warranted.....Milk Toast
For the sin of being ill-tempered/sulky........Sourdough
For the sin of cheating customers..............Shortbread
For the sin of risking one's life unnecessarily.........HeroBread
For the sin of excessive use of irony..........Rye Bread
For the sin of telling bad jokes...............Corn Bread
For the sin of being money hungry..............Raw Dough
For the sin of war-mongering...................Kaiser Rolls
For the sin of immodest dressing...............Tarts
For the sin of causing injury or damage to others.......Tortes
For the sin of promiscuity.....................Hot Buns
For the sin of promiscuity with gentiles.......Hot CrossBuns
For the sin of davening (praying) off tune.....FlatBread
For the sin of being holier than thou..........Bagels
For the sin of indecent photography............Cheese Cake
For the sin of over-eating.....................Stuffing Bread
For the sin of gambling........................Fortune Cookies
For sin of abrasiveness........................Grits
For sins of pride............................. Puff Pastry
For the sin of cheating..........Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For sin of impetuousness.........Quick Bread
For negligent slip-ups...........Banana Bread
For the sin of dropping in without warning.....Popovers
For the sin of perfectionism...................Angel Food Cake
For the sin of being up-tight and irritable....High Fiber Bran Muffins
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone. For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Regular, and Industrial Strength) at your local Jewish bookstore.
Can I borrow some cornbread? Please?
