Thursday, May 26, 2005
Ken Stanley: A Eulogy
The politics of my friend Ken's life were a minefield. Subsequently, there will be no opportunity at any of the memorial activities for any of us that loved him to eulogize him. Those public meetings will be officiated by mere acquaintances, and of a sufficiently generic nature, as to avoid some very ugly and unfortunate scenes.
I cannot; however, let his passing go without additional comment, so I will take the opportunity this blog provides to make it. This post is assigned the date of his memorial service. It's up a little early because I am going to be very busy for the next few days. It is Oh-Dark-Thirty and I have been lying in bed for several hours thinking of my friend and trying to put some perspective on his life.
In the management of his personal and family life there is very little with which I could agree. As I said to an old, mutual friend yesterday -- "it sure is not how I would chose to run my life." And yet, in all but the genetic sense, Ken was my brother. The phrase that I have arrived at that best describes Ken's life is "Love in the midst of moral ambiguity."
Ken thrived in moral ambiguity -- he sought it out -- he created it. I should have sensed it when we were young college men, he in pre-med and I in chemistry taking many of the same classes. Whenever our studies brought us to those areas that were morally difficult -- often ones that society is arguing about today -- Ken would want to rush headlong into exploration and I would want to examine the question morally and decide what was, and was not, suitable paths of exploration.
As a physician he was confronted virtually daily with decisions for which there simply is no clear-cut moral guidance. Whenever we discussed them I would take the most conservative course and often urge him to "punt" the decision to someone else. He, on the other hand, was anxious to make those decisions.
Makes Ken sound like your pretty typical pseudo-intellectual godless leftie, doesn't it? And yet, this I know for fact, Ken was NOT motivated by narcissism, which makes him highly unique among anyone else I have ever met in his situation.
Ken stayed married to his wife far, far longer than almost anyone else in his life thought he ought to, and he did it out of sheer devotion to the vows he made and to the well-being of his children. He started an affair a few weeks before he left his wife, I think because he could not bear to bring himself to leave her unless he had clearly been the one that made "the mistake." He remained unflinchingly devoted to the woman with whom he had that affair for the rest of his life, a period that was longer than his 13 year marriage. He continued in that utter devotion despite the fact that she could not return it with the same level of sacrifice. Through his love for her, I have come to love her too -- even though given the circumstances most would be tempted, and many do, refer to her in very unflattering terms. In a very real sense, Ken's love and capacity to love created situations where moral ambiquity was the order of the day.
Being who I am, all of this engendered a great deal of cognitive dissonance. The devotion and love which he had and gave to me, generated the same in me -- I simply had to love him and be devoted to him in return, despite the fact that everything I thought and the very essence of my being wanted to shout moral condemnation towards him. Make no mistake, he knew fully where I stood, but we both knew we could rely on each other completely in spite of all that.
Were he here, we would have to start wrestling now because this is far too emotional and far too "girlie" -- it would be imperative that we reassert our manhood by beating the crap out of each other.
I find myself right now with all my theology sitting on a shelf useless to me. It is at times like these that I am truly grateful God is our final judge. I know with certainty that God did not approve of much of Ken's behavior. I was there when Ken prayed the sinner's prayer, and I know with equal certainty that Ken's capacity for love came far closer to God's than mine does.
I cannot; however, let his passing go without additional comment, so I will take the opportunity this blog provides to make it. This post is assigned the date of his memorial service. It's up a little early because I am going to be very busy for the next few days. It is Oh-Dark-Thirty and I have been lying in bed for several hours thinking of my friend and trying to put some perspective on his life.
In the management of his personal and family life there is very little with which I could agree. As I said to an old, mutual friend yesterday -- "it sure is not how I would chose to run my life." And yet, in all but the genetic sense, Ken was my brother. The phrase that I have arrived at that best describes Ken's life is "Love in the midst of moral ambiguity."
Ken thrived in moral ambiguity -- he sought it out -- he created it. I should have sensed it when we were young college men, he in pre-med and I in chemistry taking many of the same classes. Whenever our studies brought us to those areas that were morally difficult -- often ones that society is arguing about today -- Ken would want to rush headlong into exploration and I would want to examine the question morally and decide what was, and was not, suitable paths of exploration.
As a physician he was confronted virtually daily with decisions for which there simply is no clear-cut moral guidance. Whenever we discussed them I would take the most conservative course and often urge him to "punt" the decision to someone else. He, on the other hand, was anxious to make those decisions.
Makes Ken sound like your pretty typical pseudo-intellectual godless leftie, doesn't it? And yet, this I know for fact, Ken was NOT motivated by narcissism, which makes him highly unique among anyone else I have ever met in his situation.
Ken stayed married to his wife far, far longer than almost anyone else in his life thought he ought to, and he did it out of sheer devotion to the vows he made and to the well-being of his children. He started an affair a few weeks before he left his wife, I think because he could not bear to bring himself to leave her unless he had clearly been the one that made "the mistake." He remained unflinchingly devoted to the woman with whom he had that affair for the rest of his life, a period that was longer than his 13 year marriage. He continued in that utter devotion despite the fact that she could not return it with the same level of sacrifice. Through his love for her, I have come to love her too -- even though given the circumstances most would be tempted, and many do, refer to her in very unflattering terms. In a very real sense, Ken's love and capacity to love created situations where moral ambiquity was the order of the day.
Being who I am, all of this engendered a great deal of cognitive dissonance. The devotion and love which he had and gave to me, generated the same in me -- I simply had to love him and be devoted to him in return, despite the fact that everything I thought and the very essence of my being wanted to shout moral condemnation towards him. Make no mistake, he knew fully where I stood, but we both knew we could rely on each other completely in spite of all that.
Were he here, we would have to start wrestling now because this is far too emotional and far too "girlie" -- it would be imperative that we reassert our manhood by beating the crap out of each other.
I find myself right now with all my theology sitting on a shelf useless to me. It is at times like these that I am truly grateful God is our final judge. I know with certainty that God did not approve of much of Ken's behavior. I was there when Ken prayed the sinner's prayer, and I know with equal certainty that Ken's capacity for love came far closer to God's than mine does.
