Saturday, December 24, 2005
How's Your December Been?
It coulda been worse...
MARTHA STEWART HOLIDAY CALENDAR
Dec 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
Dec 3: Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine tails, flog gardener.
Dec 4: repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Dec 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Dec. 6: fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Dec: 7: Debug Windows 95
Dec 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth.
Dec 11: Lay Feberge egg.
Dec 12: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble
Dec 13: Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularily for decorative pie crusts,
Dec 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade holiday scents in case tires are shot out at Mall
Dec 17: Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire
Dec 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height
Dec 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec 21 Drain city reservoir: refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Dec 22: float votive candles in toilet tank
Dec 23: seed clouds for a White Christmas
Dec 24: last minute shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than
they really are.
Dec 25: Bear son, Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented withhomemade potpourri
Dec 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Dec. 27. Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec 31 New Year?s Eve~ Give staff their resolutions. Camm friend in each time zone of the world as the clock striked midnight in that country.
