Monday, July 31, 2006
Being Single
The ladies over at Intellectuele have been discussing singleness for a while, and the latest entry in the discussion is going to bring me to the table. My friend Bonnie poses four questions:
But having said that, I have a real problem with the first three questions - they are based on the presumption that singleness is somehow an extraordinary burden, that "normal, married" people do not have to bear. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Singleness carries with it a different burden than marriage, but it is hardly extraordinary. The simple logistics of coordinating two (more if there are children) schedules is an incredible burden - but this is a trivial example.
The first three questions circle around what I will call "the vacuum" of singleness. Some would label it loneliness, but that is not always the problem. Sometimes it's something as simple as not having anyone to use as a sounding board. Making simple decisions, like what to have for supper, without input for someone else can be difficult - that's the vacuum.
Well, one of the lessons I have learned is that marriage does not really fill that vacuum. In the end, someone has to decide what's for supper. Simply put you cannot rely on anyone else to fill the voids you sense in your single life, not even a spouse - such will only result in your disatisfaction with your spouse.
Now what questions 1-3 do have right is that they are about getting on with life as a single, but more importantly, as God's single. And this is, I think, no different than a married person.
The Apostle Paul said
Which leads me to the fourth question. I do not think it a coincidence that my wife and I met while serving as Deacons together at our church. I truly believe that by abandoning ourselves to Christ's service, He gave us to each other. Why did He wait so long? - Because we were each learning sufficient abandonment.
That last statement leads to a cautionary note. Speaking for myself, although I think my wife would agree that the same is true in her case, for a very long time, I used the church and my service therin as a "substitute spouse." That's not the point because that is focusing on and trying to fill the vacuum, and it is a road to major pain and disappointment.
No, what I am talking about is ignoring the vacuum and concentrating on Jesus - funny thing happens, the vacuum disappears, satisfaction arrives, and God's plans for you will be enough.
These are not platitutdes, these are attitudes, to be prayed for earnestly. God has blessed me far more richly than I imagined possible - not because the vacuum has been filled, but because He has taken it away.
Related Tags: single, married, Christian, alone, void, faith
1) What does the life of a single Christian living fully unto the Lord "look like"? What are ways that a Christian single may serve God both in work and relationships?Before I delve into this, I want to lay out my "qualifications" - I am nearly 50 years old and was single for far more of my adult life than I have been married - if we count adulthood as beginning at 18, I was single for 20 years, I have been married "only" 11. I am immensely happy in my marriage, more so than most men my age, I think in large part becasue those 20 years have made my wife and my marriage far more precious to me than anyone married younger can possibly understand.
2) How might a single Christian live a life of purity in thought and in deed? How might such a Christian deal with sexual desire and desire for close companionship and children?
3) How might a Christian deal with the "waiting and wondering"? How does a Christian single find his or her "calling"? What does calling mean in terms of the single Christian?
4) How might a single "find" a spouse?
But having said that, I have a real problem with the first three questions - they are based on the presumption that singleness is somehow an extraordinary burden, that "normal, married" people do not have to bear. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Singleness carries with it a different burden than marriage, but it is hardly extraordinary. The simple logistics of coordinating two (more if there are children) schedules is an incredible burden - but this is a trivial example.
The first three questions circle around what I will call "the vacuum" of singleness. Some would label it loneliness, but that is not always the problem. Sometimes it's something as simple as not having anyone to use as a sounding board. Making simple decisions, like what to have for supper, without input for someone else can be difficult - that's the vacuum.
Well, one of the lessons I have learned is that marriage does not really fill that vacuum. In the end, someone has to decide what's for supper. Simply put you cannot rely on anyone else to fill the voids you sense in your single life, not even a spouse - such will only result in your disatisfaction with your spouse.
Now what questions 1-3 do have right is that they are about getting on with life as a single, but more importantly, as God's single. And this is, I think, no different than a married person.
The Apostle Paul said
1 Cor 7:7-8, 32 - Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.Simply put, as a single person, get busy. Dive head first ito your church, volunteer, try everything until you find what works.
[...]
But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord;
Which leads me to the fourth question. I do not think it a coincidence that my wife and I met while serving as Deacons together at our church. I truly believe that by abandoning ourselves to Christ's service, He gave us to each other. Why did He wait so long? - Because we were each learning sufficient abandonment.
That last statement leads to a cautionary note. Speaking for myself, although I think my wife would agree that the same is true in her case, for a very long time, I used the church and my service therin as a "substitute spouse." That's not the point because that is focusing on and trying to fill the vacuum, and it is a road to major pain and disappointment.
No, what I am talking about is ignoring the vacuum and concentrating on Jesus - funny thing happens, the vacuum disappears, satisfaction arrives, and God's plans for you will be enough.
These are not platitutdes, these are attitudes, to be prayed for earnestly. God has blessed me far more richly than I imagined possible - not because the vacuum has been filled, but because He has taken it away.
Related Tags: single, married, Christian, alone, void, faith
