Friday, December 21, 2007

 

Friday Humor - Utter Rip-Off Edition

This time, I thieve directly from Scotwise. (Hey! at least I let them age a little before I repeat them...)

Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog...

10. There's potpourri hanging from your pooch's collar.

9. The dog's nails have been trimmed with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
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A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!"

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood.For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

She replied, "He said you're gonna die."
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Man walks into the Doctors office. "I have the results of your test and I'm afraid you’re going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"

"Ten", replies the Doctor.

"What the heck does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks. What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine.”

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