Blogotional: Comic Art

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Comic Art

SO BAD, THEY'RE GOOD

Sometimes you think to yourself, "You can't write this stuff," and the you realize that someone did in fact write this stuff and you just roll your eyes, which in this case makes the whole think truly unfortunate. Today's villain is none other than THE TEN-EYED MAN. (Get it - roll your eyes - ten eyes - really bad joke.)

Anyway, here's the story:

Philip Reardon served as a soldier in the U.S. Special Forces in Vietnam until he was honorably discharged after a grenade fragment hit him between the eyes. He returned to civilian life as a warehouse guard. One night, he was knocked out by thieves who had planted a bomb to blow up the warehouse. When Batman arrived at the scene, Reardon had recovered, but his vision was blurred. He mistook Batman for one of the thieves, and attempted to battle him. By the time he did recognize Batman, the warehouse exploded and Reardon's retinas were burned, which impacted his war injury and blinded him permanently in both eyes.[1]

A brilliant doctor named "Dr. Engstrom" reconnected his optic nerves to his fingertips, enabling him to see through them. Reardon blamed Batman for what had happened to him, and under the identity of "The Ten-Eyed Man" tried to take his revenge on him.

I'm sorry, but in the history of lame origin stories, connecting ones optic nerves to one's fingers is amongst the lamest. Really, without radioactivity or hazardous waste, any serious scientist knows it could not possibly work!

There's another problem:

The Ten-Eyed Man is often easily defeated simply by injuring his sensitive eyes/fingers; i.e., by tricking him into catching or touching something. Or theoretically giving him a high-five.

And what happens when he eats fried chicken? (finger lickin' good - get it.) Can he fire a gun? Throw a punch?

Wait, I know, hook him up with some kryptonian DNA and give him heat vision - now we got something.